Iapos;m home and it sucks. I feel like Iapos;m in some really bad dream. But itapos;s real. Everything i look at reminds me of you and what a terrible person I am. I want to call you but iapos;m too afraid that it will only make things worse. I feel like no matter what I do Iapos;ll be doing the wrong thing. I have so much homework but all I can do is sleep and watch tv. I wanted to get away and drive back to school today but I made the mistake of trying ot get my car inspected. Big surprise: it didnapos;t pass. They tore up my sticker so I canapos;t even leave. I drove home choking on my tongue while i drove through town. You were everywhere and nowhere and i wanted to puke. I parked my car on the new bike lane in front of my house and collapsed. I remember feeling like this before. I remember the night i dropped you off at your friendapos;s house and then i drove the bank and broke down because i knew you loved your friends more than me. And you did. And you do. And that is why they still have you and i donapos;t.
I think about all the things iapos;ve done and all the other boys iapos;ve met. I feel disgusting and hopeless. I realized the other day walking through the quad that iapos;ve spent the past month looking for you on campus. Once i realize the boy iapos;m with isnapos;t you i feel sick and cut them out of my life as coldly and cruelly as possible.
You werenapos;t perfect, but you were. We grew up together. I told you everything about me. You were there for me before i could smile with my new, perfect teeth. You loved me when i cried to you on the phone and when my face was swollen and disgusting. You told me you loved me when i told you my grandfather had died. I canapos;t open any of my drawers because they are all wallpapered with notes you wrote me. I canapos;t listen to music because every song is a song we listened to together. I canapos;t go anywhere in town because those are all the places we went together.
Iapos;m so afraid that i am going to see you walking down the street with someone else. Youapos;ll be happy. And iapos;ll be the same.
I want more than anything to drop out of college and live here with you forever. But i canapos;t. Everyone tells me this is good and that i have to move on but i donapos;t think they realize how i feel. I feel like leaving you i killed myself. And now iapos;m just this hollow, stereotype. Iapos;m just going through the motions. I donapos;t know what would make me stronger, moving on or holding on.
you were my entire life. We havenapos;t spoken in a month. When i talk about you i never call you my "ex". Youapos;re still "my boyfriend". I wish i could hate you.
i hate myself for writing this. I hate this.
in all my dreams we are still together. You almost never dreamed about me. You hadnapos;t written me a love note since february. Even those seemed insincere. You never wrote songs about me. When did it end? is it over? why?
how can we be with anyone besides each other?
I wish i wasnapos;t trapped here in this town where i lived with you.
how will i survive an entire summer of this? How do you stand it? Do you feel it too?
i should go. This isnapos;t constructive. "Iapos;m stalling again....."
I always stalled because i never wanted to stop talking to you.
goodnight
i love you
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